The Son of a Surrogate
Well I'm here
to remind you
of the mess you left
when you went away
It's not fair
to deny me
Of the cross I bear
that you gave to me
You Oughta Know!
August 9, 2006
After 4 years of this page being up, it is about time for an update. I quite writing and I quit being involved in trying to change the way people thought about adoption and surrogacy because it was too depressing. Too depressing to think that the human race had fallen so low that they would encourage the practice of taking mothers away from their babies. Someone changed me. Someone gave me the desire to write again. She's a beautiful girl with a sweet little baby and I thank her for relighting my flame.And also thank you for some of those e-mails, most encouraging, some bitchy. Either way it is a kick in the pants for me.
I started a blog, because it seems like the easiest thing to do rather than trying to update a page every so often. So you can go here to read the blog - Brian's Blog
My name is Brian and I am the son of a traditional surrogate, a biological father, and an adoptive mother. I think all of you here need to know how I feel about surrogacy.
I have read a certain popular surrogacy board since I was 16 and I am almost 18 now. I was going to wait until I was 18 to open my mouth but I just canít stand reading all of this stuff anymore. It was something in one TSís post that really set me off. And it was not just her, it's everybody attitude.
"if you go into this feeling that this is "your" baby then you should not be a TS. This baby is NOT yours. It is your egg donation that instead of the IM carrying ... you have to carry. Thats it. plain and simple. So it is no different than a GS. You are carrying someone ELSE's baby, regardless of the genetics. so yes you should get comp to cover your pain and suffering "babysitting in utero" THEIR child."
What about what the kids of traditional surrogacy think? What do we think about what you think? What you think doesnít even make sense to most of us. It doesnít make sense to the majority of people and thatís why surrogacy is so controversial! Do you expect us to have this sort of delusional thinking that you do or do you expect us to think like 99.9% of the general population who thinks that it is wrong to have a child in exchange for money or give away your biological child. How do you think we feel about being created specifically to be given away? You should all know that kids form their own opinions. I donít care why my parents or my mother did this. It looks to me like I was bought and sold. You can dress it up with as many pretty words as you want. You can wrap it up in a silk freaking scarf. You can pretend these are not your children. You can say it is a gift or you donated your egg to the IM. But the fact is that someone has contracted you to make a child, give up your parental rights and hand over your flesh and blood child. I dont care if you think I am not your child, what about what I think! Maybe I know I am your child.When you exchange somehing for oney it is called a commodity. Babies are not commodities. Babies are human beings. How do you think this makes us feel to know that there was money exchanged for us?
Lets look at this from our point of view. Here is our biological mother our flesh and blood the woman who would naturally be raising and loving us totally denying that we are her child. Iím sorry but you just cant do that. We are your kids. Weíre your kids just as much as your own kids, but yet you only think of us as some sloughed off egg that you are giving to a substitute mother who no matter how much love she has just canít be the same as you? For 25 thousand dollars or whatever? You donít bond with us when you are carrying us and you deny that we are yours because you have deluded yourselves and deny who and what we really are. That is so totally not right that I canít believe anyone would think this is normal!And why are you doing this? For the most part its money from what I understand. Some of you have already admitted that in other posts. Would any of you do it if you did not get compensated for it? Or maybe if you didnít get that feeling of belonging or acceptance that you never had as a kid? How do you think that makes us kids feel? You may be able to deny us but we donít want to deny who you are. That makes us feel very rejected. That leaves a hole in our hearts whether we admit to it or it manifests some other way like in depression or a fear of getting close to someone else.
Sometimes it doesnt show up until we are in our teens or young adults and like me sometimes it shows up as a baby when I scream my head off for 6 weeks and they call it colic. They call it stomach gas or an immature neurological system. Nothing can console us. Bull. The truth is that nobody is able to explain it because babies canít talk. Itís the only way a baby knows how to express itself and its rage and grief and morning is to scream. I wanted my mother and she wasnít there. I just had to accept it after a few weeks so I quit crying. Just wait. The evidence of babies having stress and knowing who their mothers are at birth is just beginning to come out. You canít just substitute mothers and expect us to be okay with it. You can have all the love and good intentions in the world but that doesnít make it okay with us.
Also with the kids ive interviewed, Ive found that they were either sick - more sick than their peers-as babies or colicky. The immune system has a lot to do with stress and babies that are stressed get sick. Only 2 out of the ten seemed like they didn';t have any problems when they were babies but had a lot of problems once they hit 12 or 13.Emotional problems.
There is a reason that most adoptees want to search for their mothers first before their fathers. There is a reason why biological ties particularly maternal are so important to 99% of the population. Its primal, cellular, physiological and it is natural. Its normal!We are supposed to raising the kids that we give birth to. Why do you think DNA tests are so important these days and why courts will put a father in jail if he doesnít take care of his biological children? Otherwise we would just be exchanging babies all over the place. What makes us different than the children you love and raise? Because in your mind you have to think of us as somebody elses kid so that you can keep your sanity and take your compensation. What about our brothers and sisters, the kids you didnít give away in exchange for money? What if we want to know them and they know us. You can tell them we arenít their brothers and sisters, but they know the truth. We all know the truth. My 2 brothers and sister are older than me and they have told me that they always felt sad that I wasnít with them. They were also upset to see their mother give one of them away. They never told her that because they were afraid that it would hurt her. Sometimes they are to afraid to admit it to themselves Just because they donít appear to be immediately effected doesnít mean that one day they arenít going to lose it over what you are doing. Just because you are in denial doesnít mean that the kids are.
And what about all of the lies told to the kids and their families about who they are. What about all of the sperm and egg donor babies who will walk around looking at faces wondering who their biological parents are and if they could be Joe Schmoe walking down the street because he has the same jaw line. Is it fair to take away our identities? Would you like that done to you? Would you like to wonder about your parentage or would you like to find out one day that the parents you thought were your bio parents were not? Truth has a way of coming out you know. Our biology is a part of us, itís the very first part of us and you have no right to lie about it! Not to us, not to our family either. What you do isnít all about you. That is so selfish. Its all about us, the kids of surrogacy.
And what about this I hear about not separating twins because they have an in utero bond? That they have bonded for those 9 months and it would be a tragedy to split them up? Well what the heck about the mother that carried them inside of her? How much more personal can you get? Isnít the mom bonded to those babies just as much as the twins are bonded to each other? Those kids may be brother and sister, but they are being carried by their mother. How much closer can you be? It doesnít make sense and it sounds very hypocritical to me!
My biological father and adoptive mother were very good to me and I know they loved me. I love them too very, very much. But they did some things that were inexcusable and made me feel horrible. They told everyone that my adoptive mother gave birth to me. They even hid away for 6 months so that no one would see that she wasnít pregnant.When my mother came around to see me my adoptive mother made sure no one else was around. She didnít want anyone to find out about her. She was never allowed to come to my birthday parties or ever to be in the presence of family members.She made her feel like she was not welcome and some dirty little family secret so my mother eventually disappeared from my life when I was 3 and a half out of shame and frustration.Actually I am going to edit this now becase I sopke to my mother and she said she was ordered out of my life because I started to want her to visit and I started calling her mommy. No matter what lies they told me I knew the truth. Thats why she left. Theyy wanted her too. Thatís what you all are doing when you lie about whose egg it is. That isnít even your decision and you have no right to do that. We may be your kids but you dont have any right to lie about us to anyone.
When I was 6 I asked my adoptive mother if she really was my mother. She loved me and I knew she did, but she never felt like my mother. She felt more like a loving nanny and I sensed this even being so young. She started to cry and I felt bad for upsetting her so I didnít ask any more. But I always knew. Kids always know.
When I was 12, my father out of guilt told me the truth. I was really pissed that no one told me earlier, but I wasnít surprised at all. I already knew the truth deep inside.He told me not to tell anyone though. How do you think this made ME feel? I felt like I was bad because I was this big secret. I felt like we all did something bad because no one could tell the truth. Donít tell, donít feel, donít share. Everything is fine even though you feel something else. Those are all the rules of a dysfunctional family.
My adoptive mother even admitted that she had a very hard time with the fact that I was not her biological baby and that she was afraid she was going to lose my father if she did not connect to me because I was HIS child and not hers. I know she tried her best but there was always that voice in her head that said you took that baby away from his mother and that was wrong It took her years to admit that that was what it was. I love her for trying and I cant imagine what she had to go through but I am still angry with her for not having the strength to tell my father no. I am angry with my father that he did not have the balls to tell their families the truth and how he was so selfish about wanting a biological baby. I am mad at them both for not thinking about how I would feel about being taken away from my bio mother and family and having my biology separated like this. I am angry with my mother for denying me and treated me like nothing but an egg and a $8000 paycheck.
And this crap about being paid only for carrying the child, kind of like prenatal child support. Who in the heck is going to pay someone to carry a child? If that was the cxase, then they would pay you to have the baby and you would raise. No, they are paying you to hand the baby over to them and give up your parental rights. If you didn't agree to sign away your rights and hand over the baby they would sure not hire you in the first place. Let's call it what it is. Money is given to cement the agreement for parental rights and relinquishment of the child.
Surrogacy is a business. There is lots of money to be made for the agencies, the lawyers, the doctors and the surrogates, but mostly the lawyers and agencies. You type in a search and all you come up with is propaganda from the business side of surrogacy. People need to know the kids perspective. It took me a long time to sift through all of the BS and get to the truth. I finally found studies and 10 other kids born from traditional surrogacy. They are between 13 and 20 and their stories will be on my website that will come out in the fall. I think its time you all know how we feel.
Yes I am angry. Yes I feel cheated. Yes I feel that my parents and my mother did not take my feelings into consideration when they entered into this arrangement, but I feel that they are all good people just really misguided and did not stop to think of the ramifications. Itís a shame and it sucks for me. Hell it sucks for all of us.
I donít mean to come off that you (the surrogates and the intended parents) are bad people either. It looks like you are all good people with good intentions and a lot of love but all the good intentions and love in the world wont change the defenition of right and wrong. It wonít change how the kids feel.
Before any of you enter into a traditional( or any surrogacy relationship), do yourselves and your potential kids the favor of reading a couple of books.
The Primal Wound; understanding the adopted child by Nancy Newton Verrier (especially pages 113 thru 117 because they can really be related to surrogacy. There is even a part in there called the Surrogacy Myth.) And 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge. Also there is Babies Remember Birth by Dr. David Chamberlain. I think they are available at Amazon. Iíll post links to them later.
When I read these books, all my feelings were real and I felt such a relief to know that I was not alone and I was not weird. In fact I was really normal. Why am I referring to adoption books? Because I AM adopted. Thatís what some of you are failing to see. I may have been raised by my bio father but I have an adoptive mother and, believe me, I have the very same issues as adoptees because I am adopted, I am not being raised by my bio mother no matter what anyone might dress it up to be about donating an egg!. I feel like I did not have a choice in this matter and that makes me angry. Adoption is supposed to be the best thing for the kids. Not so at all in a lot of cases! Not so at all!
Lots of people in this arrangement including the kids donít want to feel and they donít want to admit and they are so deeply entrenched in denial that they may go on like nothing has happened. Itís emotionally safer to deny and disassociate from the what is the truth. I see it when some of you become so defensive and so adamant on the message boards about not connecting with the baby. But we are your babies. We were meant to be connected to you, in flesh, soul and spirit. To break that bond breaks our hearts whether we come out and admit it or it shows up as something else. What does a tiny baby know? He or she knows a lot. We didnít ask to be given away, particularly for money.
I donít know what the solution to infertility is. I hope they can come up with a way for you to all carry your biological children. I just donít feel that breaking apart a mother and child is the answer unless the mother will cause harm to the baby. Even in those cases, a mother should be able to take part in the childís life someway and in a safe way. All I am asking you to do is to think long and hard about what you are doing. Consider everything including the way the kids might feel. I see people decide to be surrogates one day and do inseminations the next. That makes me SO ill. They may be alright now, but what about in 7 years? What about in 20 years? What about the kids and how they will feel?
I think we are going to have a mess on our hands in 10 to 20 years when these anonymous egg/sperm donor babies and traditional surrogate babies start to have a voice and want to know why. I donít have anything against egg donation (if the intended mother of the child is to carry the baby), but for gods sake tell the kid the truth about his biology and make sure the egg/sperm donor is available when the kid wants to know, if not in their lives at some capacity! But the way the internet has proliferated anonymous egg donation and surrogacy, the stuff is going to hit the fan when the kids reach the age of majority. I am sure that some kids will be ok, but most will either seem okay and have deep issues or be pissed as hell like the 10 of us that I have found so far!
My mother came back into my life a year ago but i had to beg and plead with my adoptive mother to let her do so. I just stood and stared at her for the longest time. It was so comforting to see someone who looks like me because I didn't look much like my father. I have her hair and eyes. I have her nose and smile. There was an increible sense of recognition. Just to see her gave me a sense of belonging to the human race. I no longer felt like I crawled out from under a rock or was dropped off by an alien spaceship. I had a mother and she looked like me. My brothers and sister looked like me too. She cried and held me in her arms and I felt like that tiny baby she had given birth to 17 years ago and was holding for the first time. I felt like I finally came home.
Because somewhere between the narcissistic, selfish or desperate need for a child and the desire to make a buck, everyone elseís needs and wants are put before the kids needs. We, the children of surrogacy, become lost. That is the real tragedy.
Son of a Surrogate
Much more to come in March
"If anyone had told me when we brought home our three day old daughter on Christmas Eve, 1969, that rearing an adoptive child would be different from rearing one's own biological child, I, like many new and enthusiastic adoptive parents, would have laughed at them and said, "Of course it won't be different. What can a tiny baby know? We will love her and give her a wonderful home." My belief was that love would conquer all. What I discovered, however, was that it was easier for us to give her love than it was for her to accept it."
"Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn't begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue through out the post natal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a post natal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the Primal Wound."
Nancy Newton Verrier
Adoptive Mother and Author of the Primal Wound.
NOTE: I do not want these advertisements on my page, especially ones promting surrogacy. Unfortunatelty TRIPOD isnt giving me much of a choice. I have asked and asked and asked to get it off and replace it with another ad but they aren'tdoing it, so Ill move thisage later in the week.